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I know myself to be a piece of Heart. I've been doing 50% caretaking of my children, now 11 and 14, since splitting with my wife 10 years ago. These are children we tried to consciously conceive. I can remember reading the available Right Use of Will books at the time, asking God to help us draw to us conscious souls, and in connection with the children we were manifesting, earnestly asking for assistance from God to help counteract or provide a healing influence for whatever denials we parents hadn't yet healed.
At my household, I've tried to specifically encourage the full expression of emotions (limited of course by some judgments held down deep that such expression is unsafe/unworkable). Added to this mix has been a strong commitment to freedom, to riding the bus backwards, to going with the flow, to having money come in as needed (often at the last minute, and sometimes seeming to be "late").
Now my kids give me feedback that they want to live at their Mom's full time instead of half-time with me because they want the stability of regular paychecks (as compared to the way my income fluctuates and sometimes dries up) and want to avoid the chaos that my lifestyle sometimes includes. This not only is a major trigger for me, but also leaves me very confused. It feels like they are saying to me that they don't feel safe or sufficiently taken care of when the Dad lives his life by "Riding the Bus Backwards". Mixed up in this are my projections from my imprinting: "No matter what I do, it's not good enough... I'm unacceptable as I am... Heart can never do enough to satisfy the expectations placed on Heart... Who I am is unlovable."
It feels so heavy to have my household environment be judged as undesirable, when I have tried so hard to heal at the fastest rate I could. How can I resolve my need for freedom, my need to quest for healing along the lines of the RUoW books and Godchannel material, my desire to "ride the bus backwards" with my children's desire for an Ozzie and Harriet type of home environment? I feel like I have tried with everything I had, including trying to follow channeled guidance from God and the Mother that I "knew" inside to be true, and still what I gave wasn't enough. My own answer to myself is that I must use this experience as a trigger, must feel into the pain of once again being found undesirable/unacceptable, but I feel somehow betrayed. Betrayed by them, and betrayed by your guidance. While I sometimes can hear you inside, lately I haven't been very able to, so I reach out via this forum.
Thank you for the Grace of the Guidance you have given me so far, and please give me any additional helpful feedback that you (Spirit and/or Will) see. I intend for wholeness in this life, and I've said many a time that I'd go into hell if necessary to rescue the Will, but I didn't want to lose my connection with my children in this quest to heal the Gap. I thought my purpose in this life was to co-parent my kids, to do my own right part to heal the Gap(s) in Creation, and to help us all get our Heart's Desires, but it feels like I'm a failure at all these things. Another way to sum up my life is "I understand so much, yet still...' I can't get no satisfaction.' " This heartbroken seed wishes it could feel more love.
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