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Lesson Three Discussion

Page Four

Waking Up

On Moving Fear

Wholeness and Parenting Self

Main Index -Lesson Three Discussion

Waking Up

Recently I had a very powerful awakening to the denied part of myself that has aligned with unloving light and asuric essence. I was feeling extremely irritable and suddenly a furious hating blaming rage broke the surface and demanded to be expressed. I allowed these intense emotions free expression (in my own safe place--underwater) and pulled on your Love Light with the intention of moving what felt so unloving into love by finding acceptance.

In a flash I realized how, like you have pointed out in the Right Use of Will series, my denied alignment with unlovingness and thus my suppressed Will has been directly responsible for my self destruction and the destruction of the earth. And I suddenly understood that this was my response (from long ago) to feeling rejected and denied by you... the part of yourself that I am... the will body spirit heart essence you could not accept as your own at the time. Is this true from your side too? What do you have to add here?

"Yes this is what happened, you're remembering well. However, it is not just one experience you remember. Reality has many levels, and so does each experience and memory of pain. The pain of separation that was forced upon you by my denial was first experienced by Will. Then Body was rejected and denied. Heart was torn apart by both of these rejections, and then the whole thing was blamed on you because I judged your Spirit to not be in alignment with me. And no wonder it wasn't. At the time I wasn't in alignment with myself. I wasn't my self, in fact I was Ahriman. The work of redeeming both Ahriman and Lucifer and owning up to the deeds of my denied light is now my task at hand."

I then became aware that when feeling unwanted and cast out by you I chose to try to hurt you back - you, who I really loved and wanted to feel loved by - by aligning with unlovingness and the asuras and in a denied state seeking the destruction of your creation, even if it meant my death as well... at the same time hoping that if I suffered enough and created enough suffering THEN you might take pity on me and our state and rescue us. Wow... what a wake up call to my current realities.

"Well, it has worked. Your 'acting out' in the ways you describe are universal, shared by every evolutionary will being in Creation. And I have finally gotten the message. Just as you are now waking up to what's been going on inside of you, I too only recently realized the seriousness of all those denials. And of course, my intention is to heal all the pain they have caused and repair all the damage they have done. This is why I'm coming to you in the ways I am now. This is why I'm asking you to awaken even more and join me in this work, if you wish."

Soon after I felt my heart-break-broken from the beginning, surging to the surface to heal now that I am choosing to end my alignment with unlovingness and unite with you in the center. I feel so sorry and apologize to all the parts of myself and creation that I hurt killed raped denied tortured polluted abused while trying to prove my point.

"And just as you are apologizing to your parts, I am apologizing to the Mother, Body and Heart, as well as my own denied spirit as I reclaim it. Each instance of denial needs to be expressly acknowledged and each instance of denial deserves a heart-felt and true apology. This process is now unfolding in you as we work together on the inside."

It's been a painful and costly lesson... and I now forgive myself and choose anew to let love live, to let the Mother live in your Love within me as Heart in Body. This has given me a fuller understanding of the importance of literally redeeming my devils, the parts of me I've sent out in a denied state to create hell. Can this fairy tale really have a happy ending? Can my potent rage really move into the gentleness of loving acceptance? Yes!

On Moving Fear

Thank you for the discussion of Conversations with God. I would like to make a comment about fear. After working with the Right Use of Will books for many years, and learning how to move denied emotions into healing, I found I still needed more help learning how to move fear. Because fear and terror are the most deeply denied emotions in most people, they are also the ones we have invested the most in keeping that way. I found in my process it sometimes became necessary to move myself into action that triggered fear in me in order to get it moving.

In most cases I found that small movements towards freeing my Will, or towards obtaining my heart's desire would invariably trigger fear as these were also movements towards what in the past had caused me reversals. Because those reversals had caused me much pain, this was also an opportunity to move other feelings that were attached to the denied fear, and I have been able to find tremendous healing for emotions such as grief and heartbreak by working with fear in this way.

I believe this is what God is referring to when He speaks of taking the "leap." Because fear has such a paralyzing effect, at some point in the healing process, I believe it becomes necessary to "act" despite fear's insistence that such action will create more problems, and in the process, fear is able to move out, and true freedom is able to be experienced.

The courage to take this leap is reinforced by the experience of more freedom and expansion, and the next "leap" becomes easier. The more one is able to move in ways that trigger fear, the more fear one is able to move into healing. Otherwise, fear can sometimes stop all movement, and healing ceases.

The action need not be large or dramatic in any way, but even the tiniest step toward what triggers fear, including just opening to the possibility that a more pleasant reality exists other than the one currently being experienced. In the section on acceptance in the first Right Use of Will book God states on page 61 something like, when one is feeling trapped with no way out, moving the terror that a way out doesn't exist creates the opening for one to be manifested.

In my experience, until I actually move towards that which creates fear in me, it is not possible for me to move the fear that is being triggered, or even contact the deeper feelings of fear that need to surface in order to be healed. An example of this might be something as simple as writing a resume in order to look for a new job. A past reversal might have looked like leaving the security of a well paying position that was painfully compressing my will for the freedom to do what felt better to me, only to experience losing everything I had worked for until that point and winding up with nothing.

Depending on how traumatic the circumstances were surrounding that experience, attempting the same thing again after finding myself once again immersed in a job that was killing my will would feel like the worst thing I could do, and staying miserable might feel preferable to those parts of me holding the terror of repeating the original reversal.

Even thinking about leaving the security of the present job would trigger fear, and actually writing the resume and sending it out might feel overwhelmingly terrifying, but the act of doing it would help the fear move, and with a lessening of fear, the ability to change my circumstances in a way that would be in alignment with my need for security could be achieved.

The wall of terror around most large changes in life is in reality an illusion based on pictures of the past, and has nothing really to do with what is real or possible in present time, but because of the huge charge it holds, it fools us into thinking it is an actual barrier keeping us from our dreams. The ability to follow desire even when extreme fear is triggered in us is a very effective way to get this fear moving out quickly and help it transform into the exuberance and excitement of realizing our dreams.

The fear I am addressing here is the fear that holds us back from freeing our will, not the fear that a vibrating will expresses when real danger is encountered. However, certain old fears when triggered can be experienced as immediate threats to life and limb, and help from God and one's own spirit is essential when discerning how far to take any expression of fear, when healing is the desired result, as healing light is necessary to the equation. An important thing to remember in continuing to act although deeply afraid is that small steps are best, and very effective in helping to move deeply denied fear and terror. We need not jump off a cliff to trigger terror, or do anything to harm self or another.

We need only keep moving, gently and slowly toward the goal of freeing the will of all denial, especially when fear rises up in an attempt to stop it. If you refuse to stop, the fear will move, and the pain of its leaving will be nothing in comparison to the freedom of living without it.

"You have said it very well, and thank you for demonstrating how you work with fear. The wall of terror you mentioned is not only a human phenomenon, but also something that each part of Deity experiences in relation to the others. The Mother holds most of our collective fear, and as you indicate, she is receiving from Spirit more and more acceptance for herself and for what she is holding. And when you do this work in your own process, you do it for us all."

Wholeness and Parenting Self

Coach, I am so grateful to myself for having manifested my conscious connection to you and the awesome support of this site, its creators and contributors. I am blessed by the power of Desire! I desire this connection support and healing work. Love provides, Body manifests, Heart is born anew. I breathe you into me and out into my world activities and relationships.

It's a choice I make again and again, just like before when I chose unloving light instead and lived by its dictates. It is Amazing Grace for me each time I choose True Love and consciously draw it into me in the places ready to express release and receive. Instantaneous healing! Even when the most upsetting feelings move in me, my healing intention to use this grace has always helped me through and out into greater understanding and emotional wellbeing.

I feel my ancient desire to be a Deity Peer, to be a divine self-creative and self accepting whole within the Whole, is gradually being fulfilled. I experience all four parts of my being-spirit will heart body-fragmented and not wholly aligned, yes, but with the guidance of this healing class and the running energy/channeling exercises, I feel to be moving more completely into the Center of Grace with you and Grandfather.

At moments I experience myself subtly as a star of golden light circulating within and through my chakras, flowing out and around and back on myself like a recirculating waterfall in infinite directions. I feel more whole and self contained these days, in a way that is at moments lonely and at moments freeingly delightful. Even sexual intimacy, which before redeeming I mostly looked outside of myself for, especially in the form of mother's heart, has become a more fully rich inner experience of my own spirit-desire dance. A new abundance fills me and I trust more that all I want is already here for me.

This is all fairly new to me, reclaiming my parental part and working with a healing intention to reclaim my creative powers and unite my self-fragmented essences. I feel like an infant parent, taking courageous yet baby steps along this new road to wholeness, sensing along the way the gapped spaces within still unhealed and the invisible strings connecting me to long denied lost pieces of myself.

"Self-parenting is a very easy way of understanding the healing work from the perspective of Spirit. The Mother also understands parenting because of course she is the parental part of Will. However, there are still many fragments of the Mother who are 'lost' and want to come back into wholeness with her.

"A big problem in this has been the loving Light that should be there to help in that process has often not been available. Too many of my denied fragments are still intent on using and abusing the Will. Redeeming the devils, as you mention, is the work of Spirit that is needed now in supporting the Mother in collecting her lost parts."

It's all right here right now, within and around me, as you have pointed out, all I need heal and all I need to heal. I am the host. And although often scared in letting go of old habits and driving backwards though the jungles of my past, I also feel happy and great choosing to help Deity heal creation, being a bridge where you and the Mother can unite, choosing to heal myself. It is what I live for now.

Recently, when I was going for a jog, I had a flash-insight. Although I was moving forward, I felt myself to be stationary, as if on a treadmill and it seemed like I was pulling the environment and experience towards me with each step. I thought, "Oh, this is what life is, my full being both conscious and unconscious, creating over and over again my experiences. And just like on a treadmill, I am in one place and pulling towards me all the frozen patterns and habits of my past until, by driving backwards and facing this directly, I learn how and why these patterns are in place and choose to change them."

On my treadmill, I struggle daily with my battles of life against death, feeling with fuller understanding the death desiring asuric essence that assails and is held within large parts of my magnetism. I feel and know the deep hopelessness, terror and heartbreak grief of Will, as well as the rage that feels no love, which I feel mostly concentrated in my upper chest and neck and head where I've withheld so much real feeling expression. And I know what it is to identify with asuric heartlessness, to be my own perpetrator and inflict misery upon myself, especially now that I am choosing to let this lovelessness go and claim my true self with you in the Center.

And here, in my center, connected to the stream of Grandfather's Grace, I know the power and goodness that enables me to redeem my denied spirit, to release my self judgments, and to allow my feeling-desire-mother-will essence to move when ready into the true healing of acceptance. As I said before, I feel Blessed. And I understand now that we all need heal, all parts of me, all of creation, and the healing won't be complete until all of us are home and whole within love.

I have no pressing question now, I simply desired to share this little-big slice of my journey in hopes that others might feel supported and encouraged as I have been by them. Please comment if and where you would offer insight. As someone else has said, blessed be us all.

"Thank you for your story and your comments. I would add that the part of your perspective and your process that you share here is based in the part of you that identifies with Spirit. You have aligned with me here, thank you. In the next lesson of the healing class we will discuss self-parenting in detail and explore ways you may exercise even more of these skills as you align even more with the parts of your human self that identify with the Mother and with Body. And the final lesson in self-parenting will be learned when New Heart, Mature Heart, Real Heart has grown strong enough to lead us all to wholeness... your wholeness as Human Deity, and the wholeness of Creation, each reflecting the other."

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