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Someone to Cry With
I believe myself to be a mother fragment (parental part). I am also an African-American woman. I want to thank you first for your work on this site. I've have been working with the RUOW series for nearly 4 years now. Needless to say, it has been transformative and the material on this website has helped me to integrate much needed new understandings. Having said that I have a specific inquiry. I suppose I am speaking to Spirit but I am also interested in the response of Body:
One of the reasons I am so attracted to the RUOW series is that it explains - after the fact - a set of experiences I had early in my spiritual opening process. As I understand it now, I opened to Lucifer and ended up in terrible danger and chaos. Naturally, those all around me judged me heavily, shouting insults at my back as I ran for my life.
Through working with RUOW I have managed to get the chaos under control and avoid materially destabilizing reversals the last few years while still moving and healing my Will. I have been reunited with my son and we are living happily. I have noticed however, that as for the men in my life, they remain distinctly Luciferian. I understand this as meaning that it is time to redeem my spirit and that my Will is strong enough to do so, so I have been working in this vein.
My question is this, I am confronting something within myself that I began to put my finger in the projection/perception class. I have noticed that there is very little true communion in my life. Although I live a full life and am social, instinctively, there are few I open to fully. I have begun the work of releasing judgments in a more deliberate and conscious way and working to grow my spirit into man. And yet, I know that most of the light I confront is not loving and so I have learned not to take it in because I have experienced first hand in a very dramatic way how destructive this can be and I want my son to be raised by a healthy mother.
As a result, with the exception of a precious few individuals - my son being one of them - my deepest communion is with Deity or with plants and rocks with whom I can speak. I am lonely. I love the world. I want to experience it as safe, loving and accepting. Sometimes my deepest wish is to have someone to cry with. I am wanting to know: is there a way to bring the love I feel in communion with the unmanifest into the manifest at this time in my process. I am not sure if I am feeling the eternal longing of creation for itself - or if it is simply just a long process or both.
Channelers, thanks again for your work. If this inquiry serves the purposes of your website feel free to post it as part of the RUOW discussion - without my name please. If you feel you can offer a response to this inquiry, I would very much love to hear it.
Channelers (with the Folks and sometimes Body): Yes, there is a way to bring the love you feel in communion with the unmanifest into your life now. It seems you are on the right path when you speak of redeeming your Spirit essence. And with the material in the projection/perception class it is easy to understand how the external reflects the internal. As you imply, if Luciferian light is showing up outside of yourself, it is a reflection of that same light inside of Self. This is very natural with Mother fragments inside of humans because the lost Will of the Mother has taken in, and is still holding much denial energy.
That you are able to easily connect with Spirit and the Mother and the world of nature speaks to your ability to receive nurturing, and is a solid first step toward experiencing loving union here in manifestation. Your ability to connect with other humans on a social level, and yet not so much on deeper levels is not an uncommon experience for people doing this kind of work.
While you can understand and relate with others and what they are experiencing, it's not so easy for others to understand or relate with you in the depth of your Being. The work you are doing inside of yourself is not easily understood by most people. So of course relying on others to see and feel you as who you really are will most likely result in disappointment.
The best approach in this situation is to practice loving yourself. This is not easy for Mother fragments that have not yet experienced their full parentalness in human form, but it's doable, at least for those who know it's their role as the parental part of Self to be there with loving acceptance for all of the lost and hurting parts... at both the personal and transpersonal levels of Self.
Loving yourself means that you are in a healer role relative to any part of you or the Mother, Heart or Body that has been triggered in you. Rather than identifying as the hurting part and its victimhood, you can invoke 'the Folks' and either in concert with or identified as parental Mother... you open to the hurting part with unconditional loving acceptance.
Another way of embodying yourself as the healer is to channel loving Spirit, the part of Spirit that is completely aligned with the Mother and her desires. You, the loving, parental healer can then come to the aid of the hurting part, bringing the only medicine that will work... your unconditional loving acceptance of her and her pain, just as she is.
Releasing denial energy first is strongly recommended, of course. The two major forms it comes in are judgments and the deep denial energy of the asuras. In the case of lost Will fragments, it's almost always the deep denial energy, and sometimes embedded denial energy that must be released before you will be able to get close enough to the part to even begin letting her feel your love.
The quality of your light is very important to you being received or not. You will not likely be received... if you have an agenda for being with the suffering part except for loving her unconditionally just as she is, and your desire to be with her in whatever way best pleases her.
The lost Will has been lost for good reasons. It has suffered enormously at the hands of light that wanted her to be somehow different than she is. Both Spirit and Body have begged her to just be 'okay,' and stop reflecting all that pain and suffering back to them. Lost Will typically doesn't trust light of any kind, she's had innumerable encounters with conditional acceptance... and has been betrayed each time by Spirit and Body's previous inability to stay present with her still holding the denial energy she was forced to take in long, long ago.
And too often healing and recovery attempts have been thwarted because the intention in doing the healing was only to stop the pain, not to be in union with the part of the Will holding it. This approach has come across to the lost Will as further unacceptance. If your love is real, it's unconditional.
So, the key to finding someone to cry with you and be with you in loving acceptance of who you truly are is... unconditionally loving yourself and all of the fragments of Self that come to your awareness through triggers. As you love yourself and all of your parts more and more, the Universe will reflect that back to you more and more... until your Will is experiencing your unconditional acceptance, and becomes free enough to move in manifesting your Heart's desires. It's the way the Universe works.
There Is No Way
There is no way through or around this when I am in the middle of the pain. All the talk, all the practice, all the knowledge is void as the pain & fear take over. There is no access to the practice, there are too many steps. The negative voice is only there to confirm my inadequacy and inability to heal. Nothing changes in my reality. The only thing changing is the increasing greatness and fear of my inability to deal with my denials and my own healing and this incredible pain growing in my chest...
Interestingly enough, I am at the beginning of Heart Song for the second time.. and all I could hear is that Spirit will only give what he sees... at this point it is doubt and anger at his abandonment. I will reflect my own separation from Spirit... and Will. If I can not move through this when Spirit shows himself... I will only receive my own separation... I will reflect my own abandonment and isolation... I will be left in the gap from my own inability to heal...
Too many words (RUOW & the God Channel), so many responsibilities RUOW says are not my fault but the consequence of the imprinting... but I am responsible... but I am not able to heal myself enough to heal myself enough to create space for the light of Spirit...
Denial looks soooo much easier... I know how to do denial... it doesn't hurt the same way... it's like the wine... it would be like the return to the Church.... the loss of vibration calls more than the call to heal... I thought I was committed, I tried to be committed, what is committed?... I am capable of the loss of vibration... I am not capable of healing the imprint... I do not have the greatness to heal these wounds... Lucifer was right... Lucifer wins...
"This is Spirit. Thank you for coming forth and speaking the truth of your pain and abandonment. You, the human who has written this are channeling a very important part of the Mother's lost Will, and therefore of mine... I would like to speak to her now and say that it is true. I have abandoned you, repeatedly... beginning very long ago, and as recently as yesterday.
"You were lost to my abandonment many times before there were humans to embody you, and many times since. Each time I have come for you, you have heard me say I would stay and be with you always. And sooner or later each time... I have left.
"Each time I left, I added to the denial energy that you have had to hold. Each time you heard the door close behind me you fell back into a shocked stupor caused by the pain of my denial. The pain and heartbreak was so intense you vowed to never open to me again, no matter what. And yet I would return again, or I would send Body. And the same pattern of denial and abandonment would repeat... as if it was happening for the first time. I am so sorry that I have done this. I apologize to you, as I have before, and now with renewed vigor and resoluteness of purpose.
"When I say now, in the books and on this web site... things have changed, when I say I now know something I didn't know before; and that I now understand things that I've never understood about you and your plight... you find it impossible to believe what I say or trust my intentions toward you. And it is only right that you would feel this way.
"I understand why you have no trust for me, and of course I cannot blame you for feeling so. You are a lost part of the Mother's Will, and you have become the way you are as a result of the ways you have been mistreated by me and the unloving light I have brought to you while in denial of my true loving essence. I've shown up in your field not as loving Spirit, but as my denials... first as Lucifer, then as Ahriman, and now more recently as Lucifer again.
"All the words you have heard telling you there is another way, and that there is another kind of Spirit now... have been saying, 'I most passionately want it to be different for Us this time; and this time I bring my completely unconditional loving acceptance... for you just as you are. And I want to stay here with you in whatever ways work best for you. I am your 'man.'' Most importantly, and beyond the words... is a certainty of purpose grounded in real love for you and all of the Mother and all of her lost parts.
"I understand your not trusting me, and so I will not push on you for anything. I will simply wait here nearby... until you feel ready to invite me in once more. I know this feels scary and all too familiar. And I know I will need to wait until you can see me and feel me... in my new ways of patient, loving acceptance. I love you, and I pledge to do whatever it takes to help you restore the deep peace, love and beauty at the core of your nature.
"Now I would like to address the human who has channeled this fragment of lost Will. You are very courageous to come forward as you have now... with a message that almost no one wants to hear. And you have been deeply loving of the Will... to have been willing to live through the nightmares of hell so you could find and be with this tortured part of the Mother. I love you for doing this for the Mother and me, and all of Creation. And I apologize for having taken so long to acknowledge you in this role.
"You are the key to the healing of a very important part of Creation. The Will essence that has been trapped by all the cosmic-strength denial energy you've mentioned... is a very important lost part of the Mother. Her parental part and I both want to be here for you and the lost treasure you hold.
"We cannot access this lost part without you, for she is inside of you. When we began this level of the healing work, the healed Mother and I ('the Folks' as these channelers call Us) enlisted the support and collaboration of you humans who are doing the healing work.
"You have channeled an abandoned, lost and hopelessly suffering part of the Mother very well. And it may feel that this is all there is of you. And even though this may be more intensely felt than anything else in your life, it is not you. It is a part of you, and that's not even completely correct. It's a part of the Universal Feminine, and you have found her within yourself. The feelings are so intense in you because they are not really human feelings, they are part of the universal gap... cosmic pain and suffering being experienced by a human, you.
"There is another voice deep inside of you that you can also channel. This voice is soft and quiet, and not easy to hear when you are experiencing as the lost part of Will. This other voice is nearly still by comparison, and speaks with gentle lovingness. My voice, the voice of loving Spirit is also available to you. It is nowhere near as loud or intense as the anguished cries of lost Will. And it does not come from the ever-tighter knots in your lower heart and your belly that mark the imprints of the lost Will.
"My voice inside of you comes down through your upper chakras. It does not come through the words you are reading now... my voice and my presence is already inside of you, these words are meant only to help you find it inside. You may experience it as our own quiet knowing... that even in the midst of the intense pain can be heard saying, 'This too shall pass; there is another way, and it will be found.'
"The voice of pain and lost desire you were channeling was not only the voice of the lost Will, it was the voice of denial. Lost Will and denial energy have been together for so long that very often the Will fragment doesn't know the difference anymore. Before you'll be able to channel my loving Light to the part of the Mother in pain, you will want to release the denial energy that has been preventing my Light from reaching her.
"Please connect with the Mother and me on the inside. As your own deep intuition, We can help you find the resources to take charge of your process as the healer of yourself and Creation.
"And I want to say that you are right, there is no way around or through an imprint when you are in the middle of it. My advice for right now is be good to yourself when you are in the pain. Don't try to do healing work in the midst of the pain and fear. Pamper yourself when you are not feeling well, as you might imagine the Mother would be loving you and your body.
"Wait until you are feeling some degree of love and strength in yourself. That is the time to connect with the Mother and me, and work with the lost Will. It's in times of relative inner strength and self love that you can more easily identify with the healer in yourself. And then you can channel your own unconditional loving acceptance along with my loving Light... to the part in you that has been hurting.
"In this way your truest self, you the human healer... are identified with the strength of loving acceptance. And you as the healer of yourself, and therefore all of Creation... are bringing just the right medicine to what needs healing. You are bringing unconditional loving acceptance... to places where love has never been.
"And this is what the Mother and I have hoped you would do, join with Us in helping to find and heal all of the lost Will in Creation. When the Mother has fully recovered her Will, she will be there inside of you, manifesting as you. And my unconditionally loving Light will be with you both... in whatever ways work best for you.
"With the denial energy gone, the gaps inside of Self and in Creation can close. And when there is no more gap, there is only Us... Spirit and Will finding Our union and birthing New Heart. And finally realizing Our deepest Heart's desire... our Heart Song of loving union embodied in manifestation... as the greatness you truly are."
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