Home Page ~ Site Navigator ~ Mother Pages ~ Four Steps ~ God's Classes

Healing the Invisible You

Voices from Across the Planes


God, Accept My Rage


Mother Speaks to Spirit Polarity


Part II of Six



Attention, reader! Shallow, conceptual, emotionless


or apathetic reading of this material may have little


or no healing effect. Please do not skip repetitions


and redundancies. They, along with uncommon


punctuation are important and intentional.






April '99



The following was written and rewritten while I was desperately looking for someone to help me with typing and some editing. It was then when I realized that no one will help me to deliver Mother's voice, no ONE, just like it was in original blueprint - unless she is a Mother herself, and she is not overpowered by Lucifer's rage. Yes, I experienced people's programming against Mother again, but it was different this time - I experienced it while being aware of it.



It was around that time when I consciously experienced another tragedy - a deadly competition between fragments of the same essence. It is my self killing myself and proclaiming victory over it. Oh, My God. It's a horror that gets activated here (if one feels into it enough).



It was also around that time when I bumped into my own rage that did indeed have all these qualities that I was missing so much now. She was me in many ways and her light was so bright and abundant - but helping Mother was not what she had in mind. All that this rage was seeking was power. Power, actually was its name. It had even performed a little public "crucifixion" party on me. I didn't die this time. God got me to read Indigo Mother's Plight ("Indigo" book) right on time. So, yes, I did experience it - but while I was AWARE of it - with Father. It helped me not only to experience it but also witness it. What a difference!



It was also around that time that I realized what a "clever" game my own OLD CONSCIOUSNESS had played on me when, after persuading me to disown my "negative" emotions, it had me help it (the consciousness) to flee from me too - with the help of healers and gurus of every sort; with Its only remains I am living and functioning right now... I guess it got tired of experiencing Mother's "dead while alive" mode. No picnic, Huh?







"No, I can't! ... I can't wait any more until I find one soul to deliver my voice! ...You're all telling me that it's absolutely a must to really be on the level of words to give birth to what's erupting out of me, but please, hear me!... I have been in labor for too long - I cannot hold it any longer!!! ...I'm throwing it up already! Am I talking to myself? Can someone hear me out there? Can somebody understand what I'm going through?



Are you going to reject what I have to say again just because it doesn't look sophisticated enough for you? Sure, I might have a million shortcomings and things to heal and improve but how am I going to heal without being received and accepted SOMEWHERE and without having a place to put what's exploding out of me?



Don't try to preach and get conceptual on me now. I'm in labor and I am giving you my experience with you!



You don't have an idea of how you look to me when you all, one after another, refuse to help me, covering up under some "cute" excuses while what I need is so, so little! I understand that it is hard, almost impossible to resist the power of your programming but please, at least recognize it, be conscious of it when it happens, beware and be aware of it! Please, see that you are murdering me every day while talking endlessly about helping and saving me!





against the Mother and the Heart (inside and outside yourself)



If Heart ever came close to you, you said: "Who are you to talk like Heart? If you are a Heart, why does no one bow to you? How can you be a Heart and also be alive?"



Sure - it doesn't look right to you. You kind of like Him better when He is crucified first and then bowed to! Inscribe it in your mind that He cannot come until you do! It's only when you learn to recognize Him that He can be saved from your "righteous" hands!







"You keep pictures of Jesus everywhere, you cry for Him to come - pay attention, you just knocked him down a minute a go! - when He (or She) dared to hold not one but two Truths and they happened to be opposites!



You Want Him/Them (His fragments) to be your teachers; how is He going to teach you anything or "write a book" if He is barely surviving while working for you as a guard or janitor? Will you ever even consider listening to Him? You don't call it a murder? What do you call it then?









And sometimes He cannot even get any job whatsoever no matter how much He tries. His real skills are not rated as anything worth having for the jobs available in this realm. So He is destined to perish out there, surrendered to His fate, crushed into countless pieces, and from time to time you are passing Him by while thinking - why can't "they" just get a job and struggle and pay the bills like I do?!



Well, can I remind you that you're all programmed against Him and Mother and no matter what your intentions are, you always end up only shoving Them/Us into an abyss!?



You are not able to count and measure how many times and how severely it had happened, because WHEN OTHERS ALSO DID IT, YOU WEREN'T THERE! Who cares if it's all happening subconsciously - the result is the same and the collective effect is murderous!



"Struggle", you say... Struggle for what - for your dream? You think your dream is enough to lift up the One who never had a life, who's been suicidal since He was born? Do you think your "dream" is worth living for Him? Do you think your dream can be His dream? You've been living and working for your dream forever - why wasn't it ever achieved, why does it always elude you like a mirage? And why didn't it ever make you happy? Don't you get it that His dream is so big and so vast that it's beyond the horizons of your vision and with your not being able to embrace its vastness and not letting Him move the way He needs to make it true, it doesn't feel like it's worth living to Him... So there He is, lying in the midst of garbage bags, jobless and homeless in many ways, fragmenting into thousands of pieces, and losing the memory of who He really is... Don't you understand that if you cannot see the vastness of His dream you cannot see the vastness of His pain?! So, how dare you judge Him?



And why is it that all your "dreams" always end up the same - dying alone, abandoned and isolated, estranged from your own family, lying soaking wet in your own urine and feces and in the company of a tired and indifferent caretaker - no matter how rich you are or how high a status you had?...



And then, in your dying delirium, you remember His mourning face: He knew it all along, didn't He?...



Yes, He knew it all along - He never stopped experiencing it! He experiences death every day again and again - while He is young and alive - in His teens, His 20's, 30's, as long as He "lives"... And now you again are passing Him by with squeamishness, annoyed and wondering: why can't he live my dream?



When did you come to accept it as your only dream? Who made you believe it as YOUR ONLY REALITY? Do you really trust deep down that it's supposed to be that way, that this is the only way it can be? Do you really wish to believe it???









...You want Him to reveal Himself to you - don't you understand that this is equivalent to suicide for Him? How can He reveal Himself to you without "insulting" your religious or "spiritual" feelings, your familiar image of Him? It is so unsafe to be revealed to you - you're going to kill Him right there - like you always did! Because, you say, <How can this dirty homeless-looking guy in this washed-out t-shirt be THE ONE? He doesn't look anything like these beautiful images of Him! How dare this outcast humiliate and raise his hand upon our most sacred values and beliefs! How can he claim that he is the Heart, the great Heart, the Messiah that is going to save the world?!! He must be insane! Who does he think he is? He should be punished for this!!!... And in a way that he will remember it forever and will never do it again!!!>



Yeah... He might just do that... You murdered Him so many times - why should He save you?






And how do you explain the fact that I, now an accomplished vocalist - according to reputable scholars and teachers - with a three-and-a-half octave voice range and with all my prizes and successes, - am now silent and jobless? "You are too serious and your voice is too sad" - that's all they could come up with when refusing me another job. Hey... ...excuse me for living - the "happy voice" was coming right after the sad one, you never let me sing long enough to hear it! AND WHO DO YOU THINK IS SINGING? And why is it that the audience loves it? They say, <It's impossible to listen to you and not to cry, ...you sing what we feel but cannot express>, in fact, last time they simply didn't let me off the stage - how is it possible to be jobless with all this success? WHO IS IT that is making the decisions? Something doesn't match here!!...



Oh well, I don't care for your kind of success anyway, it's really not worth living or dying for. It's certainly not what is going to pick me up from my dust into your rat race.










...Sometimes you'd notice me quietly trying to find a little space for me to be and not die - no, you wouldn't let me have even that much - you would find all the reasons and make all the efforts to expel me from that place. And so does everyone. Everyone. EVERYONE!!! WHERE AM I TO GO? Don't you get it that if only one of you throws a single stone at me - I can only get hurt, but if each one of you throws a stone at me - I get killed!!! If you are so particular and "sensitive" not to kill or hurt animals - why is it OK by you to murder me? You don't think you are murdering me when you are refusing me a job at least as a dishwasher? You think you are the only ones refusing me my livelihood? Sure - you didn't see another hundred or two that did just the same! Can't beat that programming!......So, do I have any other choice except being a childless bag lady, a beggar on every level, grief-stricken, surrendered to death, rapidly losing the remains of light and reason, looking so ever dark and unappealing to you?! I am bleeding all over - when will you learn to see with your hearts, not with your minds? Does blood have to be red to be seen? Or should I become gay to join those who can understand my pain and loneliness?



...And sometimes when I mingle with healers, gurus, oracles and parapsychologists of every sort and they reveal their shortsightedness, and then proclaim me as evil and ridicule my visions and channelings, I want to scream right into their cold detached faces:



"I don't have to 'channel the Mother' - I am the Mother! If you would have true visions you would never be able to do what you are doing! YOU ARE BLINDED BY YOUR VISION! You are murdering me every day while praying to me to protect you and heal you - do you have any senses in you with which to see it and feel it!? You think that if you are vegetarians you are more evolved - Hitler also was a vegetarian, did it make him more evolved?!!



"You should read "Conversations With God!" - someone from the "crew" makes a point. Something breaks in me. I cool down, hopelessness lands on my face. A bunch of kids. All of them. They are all Spirit polarized - they cannot feel the Mother... How can I blame them? Can a child see what a parent can see? No way is it going to work... Not even this time... It's hopeless...



Why did I never meet someone just like me? Where are they, my other broken pieces? Are they all crashed into dust or possessed by Lucifer? I surrendered to death such a long time ago - why is it ever so slow?"...







Oh, God, turn Your Face to Me


I'm standing here before You


in anguish,


And I'm calling You.


Hear my voice, God,


Reach out to Me,


Take Me in Your Arms.



Hold Me, God, hold Me tight


A song is bursting out of Me,


a sad song.


Hold Me, God, hold Me tight


I'll give You the sounds of childbearing,


the ancient sounds.



Hear Me, God, look at My mouth,


Accept the moans


From My Infinite Depths.


Listen My Lord


To the sounds of shattering


Listen to the sounds of Mother's Heart





Hold Me tight, feel My Pulse -


I'll sing You a Song


About My dark lonely existence


About tortures and torments I endured


If I ever tried


To love and live.



Hold Me close, God


Behold My Face


See the wrinkles of Your Paths




Back to Me.




Press Your chest


Against My withered breasts


Listen to the rhythm of my Heart




Mourning beat.



Hold Me close, God


Gaze into My eyes


See the mute scream trembling


Behind the glass of


Unfallen tears.



My Lord!


When you turn Your Face


Upon the Earth


And see on Old Woman


Rocking to the rhythm


Of Her mourning songs


Know that it's Me.


Know that it's Me.



M-m-m H-m-m.....


M-m-m H-m-m.....


Know that it's Me.



When You see a Broken Woman


Made into a Prostitute


By an honest man


Just because She has no one to turn to


And no place to go


Know that it's Me.


Know that it's Me.



When You see a Wicked woman


With disheveled hair


Walking in the woods


Muttering and cursing God


While praying to Him


Know that it's Me.


Know that it's Me.


When you see a Lonely Woman


With insane, wild stare


Dragging herself, shambling


along the road


Until She falls, breathless,


Into the Embrace of Death


Know that it's Me.


Know that it's Me.



When you see a Fallen Woman


On the edge of death


Raped on the Side of the Road


By any man who happens to pass by


Tearing apart


The remains of Life in Her -


Know that it's Your Wife


That is dying In horror


Countless deaths, countless deaths.



M-m-m H-m-m.....


M-m-m H-m-m.....


Countless deaths


Countless deaths.



Do You still want Her


To praise You, to love You?


To admire You, to believe in You?


To trust You with Her life


And to adore You and


To laugh at Your cute jokes?



Do You still want Her


To trust Your sweet promises


And open Herself to You?


So that, in the morning,


You can publicly point Your


Finger at Her and call Her a whore?


And watch Her being stoned to death


While She is still holding


The glimmer of Your Body's heat -


Just because She was unforgivably


Trusting too much?


Do You? Do You?


[Channelers, please use your judgment in deciding whether to include this following paragraph or not. I can't rationalize it. -Contributor]


Well, You see, I've been alone for eternity


Dreaming of You, Longing for You.


But now, the more I study You,


The more I like to be alone.


So, You kiss My Ass


And while You're doing it


Listen to what I have to say:



Know that sooner or later


You will have to experience it all




Willingly or unwillingly.


And there is nothing You can do


To avoid


Or prevent it, because


That's what You must go through


To become Perfect



And be Perfect You will.




M-m-m Hm-m-m....


M-m-m Hm-m-m....


And be perfect You will....








<...We are going to "dig" a little deeper into old anger now. If you feel you are not ready to embrace it don't go into it and if you go into it anyway, don't complain! But if you feel you're "ripe" and willing, buckle your seat belt and remember that RIGHT OR WRONG IS NOT THE POINT - HEALING IS. Deal? Ready? Let's go!>






And to those who still believe that one can obtain peace by eliminating the other and otherness: did you know that the Earth has a Body just like yours with all the peoples, nations and races being Her organs, head and toes? That, depending on which organ you belong to, you must function and behave accordingly - as that particular organ and not any other? That you've got to sing its songs, speak its language, live its beat and pulse - for the Whole Body to function properly?



Do you think your head has what it takes to function as a heart? Do you think they must have the same ways of doing the job? Same look, same mentality, same customs, same beat? Do you think that if one organ doesn't understand the other, or it's too different from it - it must be cut out?



Do you think your throat's point of view is better than your intestines'? Do you think they need its advice on how to assimilate or distribute nutrients? What will happen to you if your liver will start a war against your kidneys? And win? What if your anus will be eliminated as "not so cool" or low or dirty? How would you like to live without your sexual organs or eyes or vocal cords?



So, why do you think it's OK to do all this to the Big Body you live in? Why are you trying to fight and cut out everything that is not like you? Why are you so eager to kill that which your very life depends on? Who is to decide who shall live and who shall die?



And what would happen to you if your hands were converted into your legs? Or what would happen if your clever brain would convert all your "heretic" organs into itself? ...So why are you preaching around and trying to convert one into the other? Is your way the only way? Is your "organ's" way the only way? Don't you think that each Organ, each nation, each race, each person, EACH BEING HAS A RIGHT, A NEED, A MISSION TO BE DIFFERENT AND EVOLVE DIFFERENTLY?! Don't you get it that if you eliminate, convert, enslave, amputate, withdraw any organ or race, if you WOUND the Big Body you live in - the Whole Body, together with you, is not going to feel too good, will it? That, eventually, It will collapse, TOGETHER WITH YOU? How about operating on your brain then? Before it happens?









You're saying that you chose only peace and harmony - you've been choosing peace and harmony for eons - where is it? Why has it never lasted? How about choosing dissonance as a part of your harmony? Didn't you already hear it happening in music? Didn't you notice it happening in all contemporary arts? Didn't you experience that the best peace you've ever had was right after an open conflict - if you just stayed long enough to see it? That sometimes the best things came out of the worst ones?



People ended up fighting bitterly and killing each other only because they were not able to have a conflict, a small confrontation, because they judged the conflict as bad, because only "nice" things were allowed, because THEY CHOSE ONLY PEACE AND HARMONY AND IF IT WASN'T PEACE AND HARMONY, THEY HAD TO KILL - on every level! Because, <we will not tolerate conflicts and intolerance! All the intolerant people should be eliminated!> Don't you see the killer behind a preacher of peace and harmony?!



People and nations were ruining the most precious relationships because they couldn't or didn't know how to express their discontent before it grew into rage and hatred (without being judged as bad by themselves or by others). And where do you think these suppressed emotions go? And why do you complain then that there are too many criminals out there?



And why are you so proud of your "whiteness"? Where did your "blackness" go? Don't you think that black and white belong together - like husband and wife, like North and South, like the left and right side of your brain? So why don't you be a REAL ANGEL and pick up your blackness >from dust, just take care of at least one at a time, "adopt" 'em! Do you think "their" suffering belongs to "them"? Do you think it's their "blackness" that they're carrying? Don't you think that if you would work out your own mud they wouldn't be black?








You are saying that Real Truth should be crystal clear - I would like that too - but, excuse me, which real truth you're referring to - the one that your conscious mind can comprehend? Or the one that it cannot even pronounce? "Real truth" - in which time? In which space? From whose point of view? To whom?










If you are to ask for advice from your own self but in different stages of your development, whose advice would you listen to: the three-year-old you, the twelve-year-old you, or the forty-year-old you? So,







Is your "real truth" from 10 years ago of the same depth as today? Is your father's truth of the same depth as yours? So do you think God is frozen and static in learning and experiencing Himself? And to which truth do you wish to listen to - the one that says that all the negatives should be eliminated? Or the one that already knows, that it's like in photography - you kill the negatives, there will be no pictures! Do you need to die to be reminded that these "negatives" kept you alive?







Is your idea of God today of the same depth as it was twenty years ago? Do you think it's going to be the same twenty years from now? So what are you fighting and killing for, - for God?, - or your idea of how He is? WHY ARE YOU MURDERING LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR APPROXIMATE IDEAS OF WHAT GOD IS?!!!



And why do you, devoted Christians, forget when you say <Jews betrayed Jesus>, why do you forget that you were either Jews or Romans at that time? And that in the early days one had to convert into Judaism to become a Christian?



And why do you, devoted Jews, deny that Jesus was God's genuine attempt to bring the Messiah earlier than His time had arrived so that He could save the Mother-Shekhinah from Her plight? Granted - He was Father polarized and couldn't save Her because of that - but so are you, don't you think? How many times is Her name mentioned in your prayer book compared to His? Or do you think that you, as the Body of the Son, were born without Her? And what reality do you think is being expressed by the fact that your children are identified by the lineage of the Mother?



And what God or part of God are you referring to when you say <God is One>?



The One that is with Her? Or the One that is without Her?



If God is He where did His She go?



And why does nobody speak of Her? Like She doesn't exist?



Why does nobody deliver Her voice?



Because Her only Son, who can deliver Her voice, is too far polarized towards the Father to hear Her plight?



Because Her only Son, who can give a voice to Her mute screams, is too busy with more "important" affairs?



Because the only One who is able to recognize Her is blinded with the glare of Spirit's ideas?



Because the only One who can decode the non-verbal language of the Mother-Oracle and cast Light into the Darkness of the Unknown is too busy "decoding" Father's abundant Light and His old Toys of all the "Ism"?



Because the only One who can protect Her eludes Her like the rest of the world for the sake of "higher" realms, leaving Her a prey to any monster that wants to devour Her Life Force and feed on it?



Because the only Son who can lift Her up from the dust and save Her from hostile streets doesn't even know He has a Mother?



Because the only One who can sing Mother's Healing Song to the whole world was never close enough to Her to learn Its Melody?



Isn't the Son's real job to be in THE MIDDLE?



If Your real job is to bring Mother and Father, physical and spiritual, together - how are You going to do that if You don't even know who and















If Her only Son will not deliver Her voice - WHO WILL?


If the Heart of the HEART cannot bring Her to Father - WHO CAN?


If Love Itself would not love - WHO WOULD?



And you are asking, why is She in exile?






Cry, Heart, cry... Because You are broken and Your Mother is crushed into dust...


Cry, Heart, cry, maybe the sounds of Your cries will revive the Melody of Your Mother's Song!


Cry, Heart, cry, because the Song of Songs has no happy ending and the only One who can change it is You!



...Nobody - You hear me? - nobody will understand You better than Your Mother... And your














And all of you, quit prancing around and pointing your finger onto hateful and "undeveloped" people - better remember who put that hate into them - and better own it right back into yourself! Because if you won't face the rage inside you, you're going to have to face it from outside you and it won't remember that it was a part of you - it will be your deadliest enemy! There is no point in denying and disowning it as "unacceptable" and judge it as bad anymore - God is far ahead of this right now. Feel it as good, accept it as good and express it as good - while remembering what an important job you're really doing for yourself and the WHOLE WORLD!



Because, once this hate will break loose, it will know no mercy. Remember, that those who carry your rage and hatred don't have your consciousness and reasoning ability to balance it out or redirect it! A NAKED, BLIND IMPULSE OF RAGE AND HATRED STRIPPED OF ALL THE REASON AND LIGHT WITH NO BRIDLE AND NO RIDER TO DIRECT IT - that's what you've got on your hands! So, imagine when it will suddenly strike in front of you or your children!!! ..... !!! .... !!!






"...For Our Love's sake, God, tell me how can I trust You with anything when You are still not "grounded " enough into the Heart to know and to feel the Other Side of Yourself fully, when You are still holding Ahrimanic "heights" as Your main observational hill?! Don't You see that You are bound to hurt Us again and again no matter what Your intentions are unless You fully descend into the Heart as Your main point of reference and get a little "soiled" with Earth? And, maybe, go through all of Her horrible experiences and feel them with the same intensity and depth as She did?



"...And can I ask You please, to whom did You command Your Ten Commandments? To whom did You command "do not kill"? To those who are NOT GOING TO DO IT anyway because they can't help feeling the pain of others? Or to those who ARE GOING TO DO IT anyway because they are not capable of feeling anybody's pain - and get away with it too, finding all the excuses and justifications they need for things like stoning women to death on every level just because they dared to trust and love? To whom did You command "do not steal" - to those who are dying from starvation or those who are dying from satiety? To whom did you give your Commandments - to those who are already powerless and defenseless - just to cleverly deprive them of their self-defense and to only make them even more powerless and defenseless? To make scapegoats out of them, to make an easy target for anybody from Spirit Polarity? Isn't that a murdering of the Heart and the Mother program that You are still running? Aren't You violating Your own Commandments? Why don't You practice what You preach? And why do I observe that whenever people from Mother's Polarity are turning themselves to You and become religious or "spiritual" they end up losing all their material possessions and getting even more sick? Isn't it obvious that Your Laws are protecting and giving power only to Spirit Polarity - to manipulate the Mother and the Heart to Its liking, which It did when burning Them Both to ashes whenever They "knew too much"?



"Well, maybe it is, as long as You are not in the Heart - You are Ahriman?!? How can You feel if You are this high? How can You know what Heart and Mother feel when You are still in the Head?



"And why is it that polarization towards Spirit always ends up with some sort of fascism? Because Spirit engraved and imprinted with it? And I am still praying to You?... To whom am I praying - to part of God? ..."In God we trust"!.... In God Who trusts? The ones that have everything except being God? Or the ones that have nothing and never saw God's help no matter how much they prayed? Whom are You helping, God? Those who lost the sense of taste from having too much? Or those who lost the desire for life because they figured they were never going to get it? Who called You God? Did You call It Yourself? How can You be God when You are not united yet with Your Other Parts? Did You think that You, the Consciousness can be God without Her, the Subconsciousness? Are You afraid of not being God? Are You terrified that You might need to experience everything that Mother experienced? Can You look straight into my eyes and tell me that You or something in You are not involved in all the unspeakable sufferings that were bestowed upon the Earth?



And now You are telling me through those whom You invaded that this site is not a place for the expression of emotions?!!! Sounds very familiar!!!



"...And what can I do - tell me! - what can I do when I can't help but love You endlessly and hopelessly because You are Our only hope and Light, because I wouldn't be able to realize and express all this without having part of You in me, because You are the One who uncovered all this before my eyes and gave my memory back to me, because I feel like an anguished, abandoned, grieving wife, pounding angrily with my fists onto Your chest while longing so much for You to embrace and love me?!.........




End of Part Two. All six parts should be read consecutively and as a whole to have a healing effect.


Part Three

Voices Index

Mother Expression Guide

My Channeling Index