"At the beginning of lesson two of this class I
mentioned that in denying parts of my Light, I
created two spirits who were separate from me. The
first I became aware of is called Lucifer, and the
other is Ahriman, more often called Satan.
Reclaiming the lost Spirit essence in these beings
is the first priority in my healing. Until I and all
other other spirits have reigned in and redeemed
their energies, attitudes and behaviors, the Mother
will experience pain at the hand of Spirit,
regardless of our intention.
"I have also mentioned that in the
beginning of my awareness I had many questions. I
wondered about myself and where I'd come from, how I
got started, and where my existence was taking me. I
began to experiment with myself to learn more about
these issues, and hopefully answer some of my
questions. I tried hiding from myself, forgetting
things I'd learned, and making things up to see if
just thinking them would make them so.
"Later, when I first noticed the
Mother's presence, I was initially annoyed by the
disturbance she was causing. But soon I became very
curious as well. I wanted to know all about her, and
I experimented with her in many of the same ways I
had with myself. I didn't know another way of
learning, and because I had not yet any Heart
presence, my only interest besides my inner reveries
was my scientific curiosity.
"Magnetic essence was new to me, and
I persisted in my studies. My prodding and poking
hurt her, and my response to her recoil was anger
that she would not stay present for my experiments.
I was also suspicious of her because I didn't know
who or what she was, or how she got here in 'my'
"My anger and suspicions imprinted
her, and she reflected these back to me. At the time
I couldn't understand why this unknown something was
suddenly here, and angry at me. I just wanted to
learn more about it, why didn't it trust me?
"A split happened in me then. Part of
me remained suspicious and curious, and yet somewhat
aloof and detached. Another part began to be drawn
into the smooth, rhythmic wiggling of the magnetic
essence. I found her movements pleasing then, and I
felt for the first time in my existence... joy.
"I decided to focus on the pleasant
new feelings, so I disregarded my curiosity and
suspicions and paid attention to the joy that was
becoming the foundation of my Heart. In the presence
of the Mother I was experiencing love, but I didn't
know that's what it was at the time. It was
different than what I'd felt in my inner reveries.
It felt somehow more substantial and 'real.'
Whatever it was, I knew I liked it, and I wanted
curiosity returned, and with it came the feeling
that I must detach from this thing, or I wouldn't be
able to learn more about it. I did detach and study
the magnetic essence again, and that's when I knew
that I wanted to use it to help me understand myself
better. I noticed its reflective nature and I wanted
it to show me what I looked like.
"In my detached state, away from the
thing, I could study it, analyze it, make judgments
about it, and therefore understand it better, I
thought. However, as soon as I came into contact
with it, I again came under its spell and lost the
sense of being myself.
"Although I felt joyously enraptured by the
closeness and the pleasure of that contact, I also
felt somehow confined and enclosed by it. I knew if
I wanted to use this thing as a mirror, I'd have to
get close enough to see myself, and yet stay
separate enough to avoid being caught up in its
energy. I became an engineer then, adding to my
already budding talents as a scientist.
"However, there was a miscalculation on my part. As
I came into proximity of my new mirror, I got a good
look at myself, and I very much liked what I saw. My
Light increased with excitement, and as my
excitement grew, I learned more about how to
increase its intensity by just watching myself do
"At one point in pumping myself up, I
became very excited and my Light suddenly and
dramatically amplified. In the same moment, the
magnetic essence became much more attracted to me
and began moving to fully contain me. I felt my
whole self being drawn into her strong magnetic
field as she opened herself very wide to engulf me.
My excitement became so intense that
I could no longer stay present with it. In denial of
my true safety here, the intense exhilaration of my
pumped-up Light turned in an instant to sheer terror
that I would be swallowed up by something that had
somehow become even bigger than me.
"My reaction was instinctive and
swifter than my ability to think. The fast-moving
terror was more excitement than I knew possible and
I quickly multiplied the intensity of my Light in an
instinctive effort to propel myself out of there, to
save myself from being consumed by my mirror.
"The resulting explosion was the
conception of manifestation, the birth of this
Creation... but it literally blew most of the
magnetic essence into fragments that accelerated
very quickly into the darkness. Although I know now
that my reaction caused a deep and devastating
imprint of fear of
sentience in all consciousness, it wasn't even
a consideration in the intensity of the moment.
"The blast had ripped from me my
newly found love and joy, and I felt great grief for
that profound loss. Very quickly my feelings of
grief were replaced by a new sensation of fear that
I'd never see her again. I missed that thing. And I
was quite uncomfortable with myself, fearing both
that she would eat me whole if she could, and that I
might never see her again.
"I turned inward again to avoid
feeling anymore, and soon taught myself to forget. I
then returned to my studies of myself and my
existence, and for a very long time I didn't think
much more about that wondrous, vexing 'thing' that
had come and gone in such a spectacular way.
"Much later, when I encountered her
again, I remembered my earlier interest and
excitement, and apparently she did too. We didn't
realize we were both quite diminished since our
first meeting. And in denial of our fragmentation we
began a relationship. That's when I visited the Void
and used the dividing line to further fragment
myself by separating the qualities of my Light that
were pleasing to the Mother from the qualities that
as you know, was the result of dividing myself. The
other result of doing this, unknown to me until very
recently... was that I became Ahriman. When I
returned from the void, I returned split off from
Lucifer. I was now identified as the clever
scientist and engineer I thought myself to be...
Ahriman, the god of Power.
And I hadn't realized until quite recently that the
qualities of my Light that had empowered me to
figure out how to split myself, and that prompted me
very soon thereafter to engage in denial and
deception... were not qualities of my core essence,
"They were the qualities of a devil.
I had often thought fondly of myself as 'a clever
devil' for being so smart about these and other
matters, but it's been only recently that I've
realized how sadly true that was.
"Ahriman is the clever devil in
humanity, too. He's the scientist who invents yet
another way to use or override Nature, the Mother's
domain in manifestation.
"He's the engineer who designs the
tools that empower the scientist and the warrior.
He's the kindly tinkerer who remains detached enough
to find a new use for old things. He's the
accountant that knows how to present the facts... so
as the banker and investor he will finance the
ventures of the scientist, engineer and warrior.
"He's the surgeon whose cool craft
denies the body's wholeness. He's the judge who
evaluates the evidence and passes judgment, not from
his heart, but from the mental abstractions of the
"Ahriman is in every human. He's the
left-brained devil whose cool logic and detached
judgments point out that emotional presence is
flawed and somehow wrong. He's the clever devil
whose financial and technical skills dazzle and
impress, and get him lots of recognition in the form
of wealth and power.
"And we need him. We need him under
Love. His skills and talents are crucial to the
evolution of Creation and the realization of the Mother's
dream. Like Lucifer, he is now waiting to be redeemed
so that the goodness of his skills and qualities can
be employed by loving Light in service to the Mother
in manifesting her desires... the end of suffering,
wholeness of Being, and
the realization of her dream.
"For a very long time I had thought
most favorably of Ahriman's qualities, and
considered them my own. I was identified as Ahriman,
of Power that human religions honor and
worship. And for a very long time I did not realize
that as Ahriman I had a separate existence, a life
apart from my true core essence... loving Light. I
had accepted all his good qualities of detached
mental activity as mine, and attributed the parts of
Ahriman I didn't like to Lucifer or the 'Denial
Spirits,' the Asuras."