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Dear God, I've been waiting eagerly for your channeling class to begin. Your site is my homepage so I open your site everyday to keep up with the updates. I practice running the energy everyday with my yoga practice and feel your energy inside me. But when it comes to meeting the source and writing, I've found myself to be avoiding what I want most (I'm learning to not "want", rather to know that I have and I am but it's so hard to not say it) is to communicate with you inwardly and consciously. Every time I think of trying it I freeze, fall asleep or find something else, an excuse, to not try.
"This is very good to be aware that although you 'want' something, you're also resisting having it. The irony here is that we have been communicating inwardly, but it has not been in the way you have imagined it would be."
Last night I realized that I have been putting it off because I'm so afraid that I will not hear you, or that I will hear you. I feel like I'm coming to a crossroads which will change my life dramatically. Why am I so afraid to receive you in my life? This is what I have asked for all my life. I feel like once I communicate directly with you I will see so clearly, I will be unable to be with my family and friends. I don't know anyone actively moving towards you. I know my 2 year old will stick with me but I find people to be so reluctant to see who we really are (like myself at the edge of this precipice).
"Well it's no wonder that you would fear channeling, if it's almost an issue of life and death. It's not only receiving me that you fear, it's also yourself and who you'll become if we are in close, daily inner communication. Trust me here, I will not tell you that you have to pick up and leave your life and go wandering in the desert. And it's very good awareness to realize that you're projecting your own reluctance onto others now. When you're through this hurdle will you be projecting your own willingness as easily?
I know that I am a healer that I am here to remind people of who we are, but the responsibility of it scares me and excites me at the same time. I feel like there is a war going on inside me. I've realized I've known why I am here for at least 2 years but I have done nothing to move into it. I'm frozen here. Please help me. I love you and I'm so happy to feel the Mother and you in my life.
"And I am happy that you are also feeling one of the most denied parts of the Mother. Part of what is happening in you now is a reenactment of the Mother's fear of opening to me. What if you open and I don't come? What if you open and I come bearing more bad news, pain and suffering? This fear you're experiencing is a reflection of the stark terror of the Mother cowering under the wrath of a vengeful spirit that she's afraid is God."
"The healing class is aimed toward the spirit in you who wants to align with me. When you and I are aligned in Spirit, then your Desire, the magnetic essence which is still holding all of this terror and fear will find in you an open and accepting spirit who is willing to follow her lead in helping her move and release the held charge.
"When that movement begins, my Light will come flooding in to join your spirit, and together we'll be drawn through your Desire to the Mother. We can do all of this together before we have any written communication, if you like. The exercise of true sacrifice is a good metaphor for how you and I can get started with the Spirit side of the healing work. In the meantime, come visit anytime you like. I'm the easy-going, non-pushy impulse and voice inside of you that keeps reminding you of your purpose and your greatness, and of how much you are loved."
These channeling exercises are very profound for me in helping me to open to and experience more consciously the Loving Light of God. What feels to me like the greatest gift of this work is experiencing this loving presence in me in places it feels like have never known such love. Often this makes me cry in a sad - joy gratitude about being saved at last. Often these feeling experiences of sensing love presence with me in these needy-scared-hurt places seems more appropriate than just focusing on the channeled words, although I must say that the focused intention to have this channel is what made this healing possible. So I go in and out or back and forth between receiving this light and responding emotionally to it. I sense I am building some vital bridge within myself.
You say, God, that in these exercises I am interpreting your energetic presence with my imagination. I sense your loving presence is inspiring and drawing out my own loving spirit. Experiencing this love as my own has felt like a grace-filled reunion with my long lost self. In this I feel to be finally actualizing my ancient desire to BE LOVE FULLY rather than just have it be something outside myself, You or another or some denied part of myself, which determines whether I am worthy of this love or not. At these moments of union I truly feel to be born again into myself as New Heart in Body. And to hear You say I am the finest creation in all the universes, the manifestation of other creations' evolutions, well this just seems right when I am experiencing myself in healed wholeness. I definitely want to stick around to co-create it getting better and better.
As valuable and important as this written channeling work is, and really I have just started it, it just feels more appropriate for me at times to continue the conversations and interpretations within and not write them down. Often the writing feels too slow of an exchange for me, although at other times I sense it is good for me to slow down to focus more directly and ground into the essence of it.
"Of course it's best for you to do it the way you're moved to at the time. The writing is good because it grounds and anchors the information, and gives you something to come back to if you get stuck in another state and are temporarily unable to access our connection. However it works out that we can relate is fine with me. I'm just tickled that we're communicating consciously."
I sense within myself I am looking here for you to tell me this is OK... and immediately I remember to release judging myself as bad for wanting do what feels right and appropriate for me... especially in my relationship with God. And still I appreciate your support and guidance here. I am inspired by You, and grateful you are focusing to meet us will-body polarities in the middle/center where we need to meet.
I just sensed a deep fear surface in me as write this, a deep terror that as good as this is now to be experiencing loving light... at any moment some unforeseen thing or event may rip it all away from me again. This is a horrible way to live, yet I am glad to be conscious of it because now I feel empowered to heal here. I see how important it is to redeem my devils that would do this smacking and to release to You the asuric essence I am still holding in my magnetism. Then my deep-seated terrors can move and receive lovingness and acceptance rather than the death creating denials I have been subjecting myself to.
One other thing... at the end of my energy and channeling exercises I ask to have this connection and communication continue within me throughout the day. It feels really good knowing love's spirit is here for/as me whenever I desire it. I can imagine the life when my healing evolves to total expressive freedom and spontaneity infused with lovingness. Oh the joys of play and magic and discovery and heart-creation!
"Thank you for sharing your experiences with others, and for singing my praises. Back in the old days I would have told you that you were a prophet, and I would have had you out spreading the word of my power and glory and greatness. Today I'll tell you that the terror you mentioned is real and potent and still magnetizing to you what you are fearing, and your pain here is a reflection of the Mother's. Today I'll tell you that being present with your magnetic essence in the ways you are and with the respect you have is right now the most important work in Creation. And thank you for sticking around. You're making it better."
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