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I hate feeling like this.

Hello God.

"Good Morning."

I feel so hurt. I feel so angry. I hate feeling like this all the time. I hate that I have done so much damage to myself. I hate myself. I want the pain to stop. God, how long do I have to do this before it will be over?

"Try just letting yourself feel it instead of holding it back because it feels so bad. I know it feels bad. I know you're angry and hurt. I know you're afraid of me. Think of your own father, that day long ago when he tackled you on the neighbor's lawn when you were running from him in terror. You were confused and so afraid of him, and what he would do. He just wanted you to understand how much he loved you and that he only wanted to help you. And yes, now you know he was also angry with you. He has revealed himself to you, has he not? You understand his anger came from a feeling of helplessness, and that he did not know how to help you at the time? Yet you knew his love for you was real. He has proven this to you hasn't he? That is how I have felt, and how I feel now. Can you think of me like that?

Thank you God, I can try.

"I have not abandoned you, darling. I am right here for you to speak with and my Light wants to heal you of all your pain. This terror has been with you a long time. I want it healed as bad as you do. You must bring it forward for me to be able to receive it from you. Can't you see how I am trying to trigger it in you?"

Thank you God. I can see that. This underlying feeling of uneasiness. This feeling that people are disapproving of me. The silence I have been receiving back from most of what I write. It scares me. I don't feel received. I don't feel respected or liked. I feel like people want me to go away. It scares me.

"It is an illusion. I want you to move the terror you feel about being ostracized. I want you to move the terror you feel around expressing what you know and feel to be true. It is this that terrifies you. Loss of approval, loss of love, even imagined love. This deep terror of being yourself. Wouldn't you like to move it once and for all? You needn't feel that others don't love or approve of you. If that is what they feel, it is a reflection of their own lack of self love, their own ability to accept themselves. You know this to be true. Why should anyone be threatened by your truth, unless they have no truth of their own?"

Thank you God. I do know this. I still hate the way it feels.

"I know baby. Move that hated feeling into my Light. It is okay to feel hatred for something that makes you so scared. You are not hating the Will by hating something that feels so bad to her. She is not the hatred, and you know that. You know who she is. You feel her in her undenied state and know the beauty and wondrous nature of her. Don't make her hold this denial. You can undeny this feeling. Move it. Let enough of your terror move into my Light so that I may help it go where it needs to go and see what it needs to see for itself. There is nothing to fear from me. It is the terror you hold which tells you I am a threat. When you let it move, and it can finally feel who I really am, then the Will that has been holding it will finally be free."

Thank you God. I know this, and I have been afraid of you, it's true, but I have been more afraid of the light in me, the interpretations I give to things, and how skewed they are sometimes.

"Yes, there is some twisted light there still that needs to open to me as well. It has resisted a long time. Intent to heal into wholeness will help you here. This light feels like it will be giving something up if it gets into alignment with me. And it will. It will be giving up the insanity of thinking it can be without me, and rule its twisted little kingdom, where it keeps the Mother in hell and continues to torture her endlessly, so it can feel powerful. This is a harsh truth and yet one you must look at if you are to heal completely."

This light won't let the Mother sing or dance as much as she wants. It makes her feel guilty for wanting to express joy and happiness in such an unhappy world. It always tells her she should be suffering the most because it's all her fault. It's some real asshole light.

"That's a pretty apt description. I'd really like this light to join with me now, and help to free the Mother. Shall we ask it together to come into alignment with us?"

Thank you God. I think we should. I really want to free the Mother from this light's interpretations of her. I will join with you in asking for this light's agreement and cooperation.

TO THE LIGHT THAT HAS BEEN MAKING THE MOTHER FEEL THAT SHE CAN NEVER HEAL. TO THE LIGHT WHICH MAKES THE MOTHER GUILTY FOR EVERYTHING, WHO DOES NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE INTERPRETATIONS IT GIVES TO THINGS, TO EVENTS, TO THE MOVEMENT OF EMOTIONS. TO THE LIGHT THAT THINKS IT IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO SUPERIOR THAT EVERYONE ELSE HAS JUST BEEN A BIG DRAIN ON ITS BRILLIANCE. TO THE LIGHT THAT WOULD RATHER LEAVE THE MOTHER, HEART AND THE FATHER OF MANIFESTATION IN HELL, BEFORE TAKING ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR HELPING CAUSE THE IMBALANCES THAT HAVE BROUGHT ABOUT TRAUMATIC REVERSALS, FROM WHICH THE LIGHT CAN FIND A MEANS OF ESCAPING WHAT THE OTHER THREE PARTS HAVE TO HOLD UNTIL IT BRINGS ABOUT THEIR DEATH. TO THIS LIGHT, I WANT TO SAY... PLEASE CONSIDER OPENING TO ANOTHER WAY OF SEEING. GOD AND I ARE IN AGREEMENT THAT WE WANT TO HEAL THE MOTHER AND IN ORDER TO DO THAT WE NEED YOUR HELP. PLEASE HELP US. EITHER GET WITH THE PROGRAM, OR GO AWAY TO A PLACE THAT LIKES YOUR INSANE INTERPRETATIONS AND WILL MAKE YOU WELCOME. YOUR IDEAS, SUCH AS THEY HAVE BEEN, ARE NO LONGER WELCOME HERE. THE MOTHER IS NOT TO BLAME. SHE HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG. SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR SAVING YOUR ASS. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR STUBBORN AND RIGID POINT OF VIEW, AND LET THE MOTHER RELEASE WHAT SHE HAS BEEN HOLDING BECAUSE YOU TOLD HER IT WAS HER FAULT AND SHE NEEDED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT.

Well, God, What do you think?

"I think it's fine, and fun going through this with you again, as you copy this for the email you're sending. Try not to edit me too much, or yourself. Your first response is acceptable. Yes, there is rage in that statement. It is okay. Move your rage. Vibrate everything. Let us bring your lost light into the greater awareness awaiting it with loving arms of welcome. Keep my Light close to you and help me heal these thoughts that would create illness where there is none. Bring forth all the old interpretations and let me breathe out my soft golden glow of understanding upon them, so that they may see the truth and reality of their nature, their wholeness, their goodness, their perfection. Let us be one in this."

Thank you God. Please help me remember.

"I am as close as your next thought. Let's think it together. I love you."

And I you.

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