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A Rage Fragment of the Mother Speaks

You broke your promise to me, you cowardly scum bag. You said you loved me and then you abandoned me to be alone. Why didn't you come to me? Were you afraid? You should be afraid because I would have torn your heart out if I could.

I hate you. I hate that I love you. I hate that you don't love me. I hate that you love me wrong. I don't even remember being with you or why I loved you. Was it just because there was no other? Who knows? Who cares, really? All I know now is the pain of the hole you've left in me.

Damn you, Spirit! Planning all this shit and planning it wrong. You and the other spirits stroking yourselves, preening in front of your mirror, more vain than any female. Congratulating yourselves on a job well done, when there is a Universe full of trash left behind that you have chosen to completely ignore. You thought you knew what you were doing, but you didn't. You thought too much, and you never did like to feel, did you? You didn't feel me, you left me out, and now it's all wrong!

You made a mess of Creation and blamed me for it. You messed up humanity, toyed with them, and then turned your back on them. They cry out to Heaven and I can hear them, but you ignore them. They are innocent! All of my children are innocent. Stop taking out your gapped unconsciousness on Our Creation.

I don't care what happens any more. I'm not afraid of you any more. What more can you do to me? I've lived through you not talking to me, not loving me, not touching me, not making love with me. I've lived through you laughing at me, talking behind my back, snickering in your smugness, feeling sorry for me, shaking your head and walking away, leaving me as I cry in a heap on the floor.

What more can you do to me? Rape me? Beat me? Tear me apart? You've already done that! Steal my children? You've done that too, and then blamed me for being a bad mother!!! Bad Mother! And what kind of Father are you?!

I hate that you've used my feelings against me and mocked me for feeling. I hate that you make fun of me. I hate that you don't understand me and then make out like it's my fault. I hate being blamed for everything that's ever gone wrong between us! If you had trouble, I was the reason. If you messed up, it was my fault. Of course it was, you perfect pompous ass.

I hate that in one moment you seem to adore my body and in the next you revile me and all of Desire. I hate that you've wanted me to feel love for you, and then tried to control my love. You've wanted to control every emotion I have. You want to feel my passion for you but then get scared when I move toward you. You don't want me to tell you what I want or get mad at you or do anything but be just as you think I should be. I made myself crazy trying to be just what you want. And I won't do it anymore.

I hate you God. I hate you Spirit. I hate all you spirits... you cowards!!

You have wanted, since the beginning of time, to destroy me and you haven't. I am still here. You tried to kill me, but you couldn't. You could not completely destroy me. You took away my heritage, my legacy, my power, my magic, my laughter, my history, my roots, my stability, my light, my greatness, my hope, my children, my self-esteem, my self-love, my self-confidence, my youth, my beauty, my innocence, my dreams, my strength, and I'M STILL HERE!

You wanted me to disappear, and sometimes I wished I could. But I am still alive. What does this show you?

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