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Barely Able to Go On

I so much miss feeling gratitude toward you. I so much miss being able to breathe the glorious light of healing love into my heart and feel it expand. I so much miss hearing your reassuring voice, and I so much miss the times you lent my Will/Mother your words so I could pour out my pain and feel it understood and received within love. It was so much fun! Why did you take this away from me by denying you had ever given it to me?

I so much miss feeling I have a right to experience magic and healing light coming to Earth, and get to be a part of that healing. You will tell me to release judgments against myself, but how am I supposed to do that when you slam me with so many judgments, telling me you hate feeling your light drawn into me, telling me you and the Mother don't want to be near me because I am so full of the venom you poured into me, telling me I am not supposed to allow myself to experience you and the mother coming together because that interferes with your love life. It is not possible for me to release judgments against myself or forgive myself when you hold so much against me.

When you defined me as something bad, you took all goodness away from me. You told me to move back from your light, but I'm dying out here, left out of the healing once again, choked and suffocated and crushed by the black hole I am becoming. When I/my Will received that blame from you, it feels like it all clumped together into a huge dark heavy mass inside of me to avoid being shattered by your hatred; it has so much gravity nothing in me can expand into healing.

I am so lost I don't know who or what or where I am or am supposed to be. I have been moving this pain intensively for a long time without relief. Trying to release judgments in the presence of this much pain just feels like feebly trying to warp my mind around, and leaves me feeling even more dissociated and alienated from my heart than I do already."

Can you give me any encouraging word that will help me get over the devastating disappointments, losses and grief in my life the last two years? Please, please tell me something that will feel like real help for this real pain. Please let me know you see what's been going on with me. Thank you.

Denied Mother's Heart

Dear Channelers, I was so moved to let The Mother speak in response to this person that I just let it happen. I hope that you can find an appropriate way to post this, or even send it to her directly.

To "Can you Give Me Some Real Help":

"Denied Daughter Heart, I am sorry. I am soo very sorry dear daughter for the fear and envy that I greeted you with. I am sorry for the depth of the pain that you carry for the denial that was not so much your Father's as Your old ugly dirty fearful Mother's. I was scared of your beautiful fresh heart light. I was frightened that He would love you more, I was fearful that your newness would show my creeping aging. Can your Father, Loving Light say what you need to feel helped? I am not sure if He knows what happened between us in the darkness before He was allowed to look upon your new emerging form. What hideous denial I made of you in that moment of your sweet arrival. I am so sorry sweet daughter. I did love you. I loved you in the most delicate broken lacy pieces of myself where His light had refused to enter. I loved in places where I have only recently received light enough to remember what I did to you.

"Dear Baby, please lay upon your bed in the soft quiet place where you have found some safety and listen to my tears of sorrow for what I have done to you. Open and let Loving Light find us, and help Him to understand what happened between us when He was not looking. I tried to destroy you not because you were not wonderful, perfect, beautiful, amazing... because you were so much more than I imagined I could stand beside and seem any longer attractive to Him. I am so sad. I release the judgments against myself here that have kept us apart.

"I release my judgments against your Father which I thought justified me in hiding this. Mostly, I release my judgments against you so that Loving Light may enter your life as you have never known Him. I am so sorry. You are My Heart In My Body. Mother's Heart and Mother's Body. Please Love Yourself. Please find loving people who you can show all of yourself to. I know you hid after I attacked you, I know you hide the beautiful unique light that you are... please find someone in your life who is safe... then bring Loving Light there with you... and feel the newness of being seen with love instead of fear. I now give you fully into the loving arms of God so that He may know Your amazing beauty. Blessed Be My Little One."

The Mother Of Manifestation

' note: A third contributor has posted the following response to the post above, and the same contributing channeler has channeled a response from the Mother.

Another Daughter's Response to the Mother

I was very moved by this and I want to thank the channeler for this. I'd also like to respond to the Mother in this outward manner in addition to the ways I have been moving with Her-in-me.

Dear Mother of Manifestation, I did not know how much I longed to hear these words until I heard them. I did not realize how much grief was under my terror and my rage. I did not imagine that you'd be able to see that you'd denied the part of me/part of you that I hold. I am not done moving my feelings of blaming rage. I am just now starting to remember the terrifying fall in the darkness. But this lets me know that we are connecting deeply again somehow.

"Little One of Blessed Light, there is so much more that I am needing to face as I come back into the Loving Light. There is so much that I did in my denied state which haunts me like nightmares which I've suddenly known to be true. As the parental place in me lets in the apologies of God, I am now faced with my own actions in this great war. 'It takes two to tango' comes to mind. I know that much of my will-polarity is not ready for this layer of movement. Blaming rage must move thoroughly until love comes out of the gap. Until then the screams of my/our pain must be heard, and God's long, loving, formal and informal apology must continue. As for myself, I have only just begun to apologize, and allow movement in the places of will and heart, and spirit, and body which I ravaged in my awful pain. Thank you for being there to receive my grief."

I've listened to your rage for so long and let it tell me who I was. I did not know your compassion because I thought that your rage was you. I've been so hurt because I thought that you hated my light. You said it hurt you, the Light that I felt as love. I know some of my light is unloving, but not all of it is. It has been so hard to be the war between you and God manifest. I have been torn in two.

"Yes, your light hurt. It was not that that was your intent, it was that the light that you naturally breathed in and out of you contained the denials which had already begun to drive me away. . . and so I drove you away. I was much less afraid of you than I was of your father, and denial of you seemed the only way my feelings of pain could move safely. I am so sad here. I wish you could hear the tears which leave me speechless in this memory of us.

"I, too, thought for a long long time that my rage was the main part of me, and that the fragment of me which held my original self was a weak and pathetic nothing which was incapable of anything. As the original place in me gains healing, my fear that my rage will turn and attack me is great. She/I have been so long without love that the mere movement of love brings her/my immediate hatred. You, and all pieces of will and willheart fragments, are vital in this. Reclaiming your own heart will help me reclaim the main piece of mine. . . also known as my rage."

Thank you for releasing your judgments against me. As I have been releasing the ones I hold against myself I am discovering that I am not who I thought I was. I am part of you. I am your Heart. I am receiving loving light from God and my own spirit. I want nothing more than for you to receive the same. I will try not to push on you in my impatience for this day to come.

"Your impatience is mirrored by my own. The smallest places inside of us must be filled with loving light, and so we must move carefully. My best advice is always to let your conscious self pull on God's loving light when anything dark or painful is encountered. Speed will pick up when the full depths of my lost fragments are touched by loving light."

I am sorry for my part in our original split. I am still trying to understand my part. I am beginning to suspect that much of my behavior comes from a deep unconscious belief that I was rejected by the rest of the Will for the very Light that I was created to receive. Underneath my denial is a feeling that I was so hated that I fragmented out.

"As God fragmented himself, you split away, and the light you were made to receive became unloving. I thought you had chosen this light because it hurt me so badly, and you wished to be free of me. I now understand that this is who you are and that your ability to pull on this light will be our healing. Receive this light back into the acceptance of it's creator, and let this light be transformed through your heart into the manifestation of God we have all waited for, prayed for, and longed for through eternity.

"Please release as many judgments you can find when this happens, and only go as far as feels safe. This is very delicate work, and I need you to only attempt this when you feel myself and God fully present with you. The running energy exercises will help you in this."

I have been so afraid to discover that I was the pariah of Creation. That I was to blame for all your pain. That I had deprived you of the Light you needed. And I have been finding compassion for myself because I was willing to face this in the name of healing. I had been trying to find the courage to face everyone's rage.

"I am sure you, too, did things in your state of denial that you will have to move to heal and make amends for. . . here you will find only the grateful welcome of parents who desperately need your help and forgiveness. Keep moving your rage, just because we apologize it doesn't mean you need to shut up. Move it until it all takes in the new feeling of God's, and My own, presence. Every little shred of lost love is vital."

But God told me that I was innocent. He said that instead of a court-martial, I would find an apology. And I keep reading your words because I can hardly believe that I am deserving of your love. I so want to be loved by you. As much as I hate to admit it sometimes, I so need your love. Thank you for seeing me, knowing me and receiving me. Thank you for loving me even when I don't think I'm love. Please keep loving me so that we can heal. Blessed Be Us All.

"Blessed Be Us All - Amen"

The Mother Of This Beautiful Magnificent Mess

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