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Mother and Spirit in Dialogue, Page V
Channelers' note: This is the fifth page in a continuing dialogue between the Mother and Spirit. There are four previous pages in this series: Page I: God and the Mother's Anguish, Page II: The Mother Responds to God's Apology, Page III: God Responds to the Mother's Invitation, Page IV: Cinderella and the Dark Wizard. There are also several contributions to the Mother's House of Pain that are part of this dialogue
The Mother's Apprehension
Apprehension Spirit Responds to the Mother's Apprehension
"Okay Spirit. Here we are in my House of Pain. I invited you on my terms. And you accepted. I am still dealing with the shock of your apparent commitment. It has stirred all my original mistrust imprinting with you however, which is actually a stirring of all the denied terror I have of being in 'relationship' with you.
"I don't think I had consciously realized how much terror I still hold with regard to you. I thought I was ready to engage you one on one, with all my fragmented pain speaking their stories to you. But I am unsure.
"The wave of terror that crashed down upon me when you opened the door to my House of Pain caused me to retreat. I am here. But I am hiding, like an invisible ghost. I'm not sure what to make of you and I have to be honest in saying that I still do not trust your intentions. I thought I did. And I myself am a little surprised to find I do not.
"I so desperately want this pain to be healed. It is a burden to my heart that still brings me to tears. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I am so tired. And I truly do not wish to be afraid of you either. But yet I am and I must not deny my fear of you. It has been denied long enough.
"So ... here we are. You entered my House of Pain as my invited guest. And I disappeared. Here you are wandering from room to room looking for me but I am nowhere to be found. At least not directly. I am not ready to engage you after all. But I am here and am watching you closely.
"I see you dressed in your 'Sunday best,' adjusting your tie, bouquet of flowers sweetly hidden behind your back, knocking on the doors, opening them one by one only to find my rooms deserted. Your face is apprehensive.
"I see you waiting patiently in my sitting room, collar relaxed now, legs crossed, swinging the keys around your fingers waiting for me to arrive. You put the flowers in an empty vase. I think you sense that I am here. Do you? I think you know, perhaps better than I, how much terror I am in. I underestimated it myself. Did you?
"Did you know I would be this difficult to love? There's a judgment. I still hold so many judgments of my own worthiness to be loved by Spirit. Now that you are here I am not sure what to do with you. I peer out at you from behind lace curtains... but I vanish before you can glance my way.
"I am full of many questions: 'He accepted my terms. What does that mean? He arrived in my House of Pain. What does that mean?' Denied terror now questions your behavior. I am also suspicious, afraid to trust your first actions towards reconciliation with me. I am afraid I am naive and gullible. You have fooled me in the past, many times over. I won't be fooled again.
"I think I believe your intentions are genuine yet I cannot present myself to you. I am so afraid. I am so afraid of you. I had no idea this would be so hard.
"I fear that if I allow myself to accept you, accept your love for me, that you will flee the moment I surrender and I will be the laughing stock of the entire universe once again. I can't seem to let my guard down. You are here, but I am afraid to let you in. I don't know if you are ready and able to accept me unconditionally for who and what I really am.
"Lucifer's words echo repeatedly in my ear ... 'You are not worthy of Spirit's love. He doesn't want you. How many times does he have to cast you out of the Heavens before you realize he doesn't want you? You are only worthy of me, the dark side of Spirit... his unlovingness. It is simply who you are, my dear.'
"What if I let you in and you decide you really can't manage my emotionality? What if you leave me? I can't bear any more rejection by you, God. I am so afraid. I want your love and communion so desperately, but I am too afraid to accept your first move.
"I am not trying to test your patience. I am just asking you to be certain within yourself about your apparent choice to be with me. Perhaps I will send down some tea and cookies while you wait in my sitting room. I want you to know I want you here. I desire your presence. So please don't leave.
"But when I approach you I must have all of me present. If I deny my terror of you I will be lost, catapulted back out into the Gap. I need for all of me to approach you. And not all of me is ready to approach you. Much of me is still very, very frightened and leery.
"You have been listening to my pain. So much has moved between us already. But since your arrival I have found voices within me that believe Spirit always runs from the Will, that Spirit always bails out, deserts, abandons, negates. These voices believe Spirit does not have the courage or fortitude of the Will. The voices believe every time you come near us you run away.
"So here you are near us, and we are waiting for you to run. And if you don't run we won't know what to make of that either as it has never happened before. Why does Spirit always run from the Will? Why? Parts of us believe it is because we are unlovable. What do you believe?"
Spirit Responds to the Mother's Apprehension
"My love, my running away was because of my own fear... of becoming lost in your deep magnetic draw. And yes, I admit that the voices within you speaking of Spirit's unwillingness to stay present with your terror have been correct. Even now, there is much of Spirit that still runs from you, and there are still some kinds of spirit energy that attack fear.
"The Spirit polarity is not yet fully unified, of course. But recently I have made progress in strengthening my loving Light, the central core of Spirit... and I am now able to stay present with you in your pain and terror. Even the deepest and darkest places in you can now experience loving acceptance from Spirit.
"Opening your House of Pain to me has been very helpful in doing this. I have been able to feel more of your pain, and as I do, I move more of my fear. Thank you for trusting me to be here so close to your most sensitive parts.
"And yes, my unloving light has believed parts of you were unlovable. I had terror of being 'less than,' of being overrun and consumed by your desire... and I had fragmented myself in trying to keep my identity separate from you and our union.
"But I also know that much has moved between us recently. My Loving Light is now making its way into some of the more tortured parts of your terror. Heart has already spoken about how I am now willing to be here with you in your pain and terror, and now I am saying so myself.
"You are the one I love, and I want to be with you. I love you, all of you... just as you are. I love you in your pain. I love you in your terror, and in your dread, and your hopelessness. As loving Light, I can't help but be this way, it is what real Love demands... unconditional acceptance. You are my mate, all of you... and I am yours.
"My love, I have deep remorse that I denied so much of you for so long. I hope you will forgive me, for denial and unacceptance are not the way of love.
"As Heart knows, the way of love, real love... is unconditional acceptance, the opposite of denial. In the past when you were hurt and I turned away, I denied you and I denied Love. As my denied light Ahriman, the god of Power I was afraid of losing my strength to your pain. As my denied light Lucifer, my mission was to disempower you by owning you... possessing you and your powers.
"I have denied you as I have denied myself. Ahriman and Lucifer have been the result of my trying to distance myself from what I didn't like in my Light. I was guilty that my behaviors toward you and others were not 'perfect,' and I tried to move that guilt out of myself by converting it to blame... of you.
"In the process I fragmented us both. I fragmented myself into the two devils... and the pain that my denied light in the form of the devils inflicted on you caused you to fragment as well.
"But now we're healing our fragmentation, and my pledge to you is to continue redeeming my own denials before coming too close to you, too close to those parts of you whose voices speak of what has happened in the past between us. I am cautious and awaiting your sign because I do not wish to trigger any more imprints without healing. I do not wish to begin any more reenactments that cause you to spiral down into pain and despair.
"This recovery attempt is much different than all the others that have gone before. In past recovery attempts I was never patient enough to wait for you... all of you. I was in too much of a hurry. And each time we've gotten close like this... I somehow convinced you to come with me, and leave your most damaged fragments behind. I am so very sorry I did that. I know the pain has been immense... feeling there would be no chance of good Light finding your lost Will that was left behind.
"Now, as you know, there is no longer an option of leaving any lost Will behind. I am fully committed to redeeming ALL of my lost light still holding your lost Will captive. And I am not going anywhere ever again without you... all of you. Your wholeness is the wholeness of Creation, and of each individual in manifestation.
"You are my love, I am your 'man,' and I'm here for you now... in whatever ways you ask me to be. This is my pledge and my commitment, your Will is my command.
"The meaning of my love, the meaning of real love... is in my unconditional acceptance, appreciation and encouragement of you and all of your desires. Your love for me is reflected in your desire of my Light. My love for you is reflected in my willingness to be here for you in the ways you choose me to be. I am here as loving Light, the central core of Spirit... in service to you, my Will.
"Our union is my prime motivation, and I know this must be entirely on your terms. Your desire for me guides my loving Light... home to you. Your Will is my Will, for you are indeed the Will of Creation.
"And I am its Spirit. I am Creation's Spirit in Love, not its master in Power... as I had long believed myself to be.
"You mention my being well dressed and waiting patiently. I want you to know that when you are ready to receive me... I am ready to propose a new approach to our union. I want to follow you down through the colors of your being, making Heart in every chakra. I am here, and I will not leave unless you ask me to.
"I love you, and I will be standing here at the altar of our union, surrounded by the spirits, who like me... are now choosing love over power. I am happily patient and attentive while I wait here expectantly for you and your pain to ask me farther in.
"And when you say the word... our marriage, the union of loving Light and Desire will be consummated in Body's human form. The human beings who are consciously collaborating with us in the healing work will find us seeking our union in them as they evolve into their own wholeness. And in doing so they will also embody us in the wholeness of New Heart.
"Love will find a way to heal what's always been thought to be unhealable. And it is the humans who are taking the responsibility of bringing their own loving Light to their own pain and terror... who will be healing what has never yet been healed. And in doing this they will also be bringing my loving Light present in themselves to be with your sweet terror. Body in human form is to be our host in wholeness here on Earth.
"Let me know when you wish me to be more present with you in your House of Pain. I will be there with you... with all my love, and these flowers too.
The Mother's House of Pain
Dialogue Page I: God and the Mother's Anguish
Dialogue Page II: The Mother Responds to God's Apology
Dialogue Page III: God Responds to the Mother's Invitation
Dialogue Page IV: Cinderella and the Dark Wizard
Mother Pages Index | Mother Pages Introduction
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